Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
