Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
