he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
