Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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