Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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