The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
