I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
