but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I wear drunk well.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
