me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
being pregnant is like rehab
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
