awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
