New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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