ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
