woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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