Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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