that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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