I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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