so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
