You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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