I'm really into asian looking animals
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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