somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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