what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am one with the molecules
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
