my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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