apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
