if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You ruined the universe
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
