drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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