I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
