Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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