I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
