I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
