If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
