those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
where am i from again
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
