NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
