Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
