That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
