how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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