just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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