im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
