Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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