I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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