The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here