Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman