i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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