I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
please come you make the beer taste better
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
