He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
