I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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