I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
