i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
