my phone needs a breathalizer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
