woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
