you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
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Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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