After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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