This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
